Never more than we can handle. . .

God is just so amazing to me. . .at such a "rock and a hard place" time in my life, I could be in a dark, scary place all the time. Believe me, there have been two REALLY HARD days for me since all of this crazy eyeball-headache-vertigo mess had been going on. . . but God didn't let me stay there.

When I became a Christian nearly ten years ago, the first thing I read was Psalm 40. GOD HAS LIFTED ME OUT OF THE MIRY PIT AND HE HAS SET MY FEET UPON THE SOLID ROCK. . .HE HAS PUT A HYMN OF PRAISE IN MY MOUTH. . . .HE WILL EXALT ME OVER THE ENEMIES (even myself) AND WILL CONQUER!

God loves me too much to leave me in a state of dark, dreary, sadness. I cannot miss what "could have been" because if I am truly born again, I understand that God's plan IS BETTER THAN MY PLAN. None of this was in my plan. I want to teach, to change special education for the better, to bless and help others, to use service and loving to bring others to see the love of Christ. But look at what I have now. . .was that my plan? No. But I know God because He's been my dad for awhile. And if I trust in Him and remember the blessings of old, I will remember that God's plan is ALWAYS better than my own.

Did I plan to get married? Nope. Single. Taiwan. No boys. But now look what I have. . . .the best husband a woman could ever desire, a marriage where my husband is a true representation of how Christ loved the church, despite all of her "irrational, realistic, stubborn" ways. . . .and really, I'm talking about myself. On top of that, now I get to live in Seattle for the current time and this place is a city that I love. I love the people, I love where God has us. I love things that we have been blessed with here.

Did I plan immediately to be a special education teacher? No. I will be a lawyer. I will defend the helpless and abused. But look what I have now. . . .a desire and passion to help those in society who are MOST OFTEN abandoned, abused, and unloved. I can speak for those without words. This is a huge responsibility that is a little scary because God gave it to me and told me "not thy will, but my will. . ." and here I am. What a huge blessing it is to be reminded of how awesome it is to be able to do simple things. My students teach me more than I teach them most days. And now I have my own disability. I write to you squinting with tingly fingers. . .what is this a new challenge?

This us what God has shown me. . .that He will never leave me, forsake me, or stop blessing me. If that is true, then my new disability is a blessing. It willl give me the ABILITY to follow the path God has in store for me. I know that without this "disability," I can no longer follow God's path for my life. This is something HE has allowed to happen to me because this is a journey He has created for me.

And the best part is. . .I have people that God has specifically placed to be with me during this part of my journey. I have my husband who reminds me that the dark place is not okay when I do go there. He lifts me up, reads to me, reminds me of Job and others who have lost way more than me. I have a new friend who God specifically gave to me on Sunday to get me in to the best hospital in the nation (according to the news) THIS WEEK. While other doctors told me to wait and no one gave us answers, I feel certain that the uncertainty is about to be over. On top of that, this new friend has a similar health condition. Who better to bring alongside me than someone who has literally been where I am right now? GOD IS SO GOOD. I do not deserve this. I do not deserve to be this blessed. Because I understand that my salvation is based on faith and not works, I can believe that God does this. I can believe that God will make a path greater than I could ever imagine on my own. I can believe in the LOVE He lavishes upon me. And I can rest assured that He will see me through until the end. He will see me through until it is my turn to be glorified and never see another needle again.


My heaven is a place without needles.


What about you? I hope that you also have a love story so great as this. But unlike most love stories, mine will never be finished. My love story is one that extends past time because to God, time is pretty much pointless. And I can rest in the fact that my love story is one that leads me to prosper and not perish. . . .walk and not grow weary. . . .run the race and receive the crown of glory. Only God can write one like that.

I once was lost. . .and now I don't see?

Ironic, I know. But sometimes patterns change.

Sept. 11, 2010. Pink eye. Blurry. . .must take WEST-Basic test for my new teaching license. Darn pink eye. Oh wait, it really is double vision.

Five hours later, tired eyes, tired body. . .I exit the test facility. Think I did fine, despite only using one eye at a time while my vision worsened.

Six hours later, ER. CAT scan. Pain. Needles. Ouch.

Sept. 12, 2am. Home. No improvement.

Sept. 13. Neurologist won't see me. Turns us away to the ER.

Sept 13-17. ER. Spinal tap. 2 MRI's. EKG. EEG. So much blood work I look like a "user." This is not the case. Maybe it's an infection. It'll go away in a couple of weeks. If not, maybe it's multiple sclerosis. Maybe it's something totally different. I'm really not sure. I can't do anything more for you here.

Sept. 17, 4pm. Home with a 1,000 ton brick of steroids holding my body in a vertical position. Not cool.


Tried to condense that as much as I could. I am still unable to see, I can't type so well. But I want to get the thoughts out.

So now I am home. My eyes are moving a slight bit more, my strength is being renewed by the Lord alone. All this to tell you the following:

1. God has a purpose; He has a lesson to teach. Maybe several. When I get down over the trials and the valleys, I remind myself that GOD HAS A PURPOSE. His thoughts are not my thoughts, His ways are not my ways. His ways are better. His thoughts more pure.

2. God is using this experience to refine me and to mold me and my faith in Him. I have to trust in Him completely--in His timing,, in His will. I cannot doubt that He has the ability to cure me. He could do that in a split second, and perhaps He will. But I wait now for His timing. And while I wait, I keep the faith. I run in a way to receive the prize, I persevere.

3. "Because it's down in this valley. . .I'm surrounded by You." This is a lyric from a really great song that has always lifted me up. When we are on the peaks, it's much easier to forget the Lord. But when I"m in the valley and there is no place else to look but up. . .that is when I am the closest to God. There is a need for the valleys. . .lest we forget the need for God.

4. In the valley, the view that is most clear is the view up. Ironically, I can see the BEST right now when I am looking up. When my eyes are off the sky, there is confusion. I cannot see clearly; I do not know exactly what is going on. I am unable to aim appropriately and often miss the food hole. ;) But when I look up. . .the view is most clear.

5. Seeing is not believing. When I was in the hospital, the verse that brought me comfort (especially when a needle was in the room) was the following from 2 Cor. 4: "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Thus, the things that I could see each day with my eyes do not matter. Those things will burn. When I pass from this world, none of those things will be seen again. What matters are the things that I cannot see. . .the eternal things. Salvation, the Lord, Jesus. So the fact that my sight has been taken DOES NOT MATTER. In fact, it simplifies faith. I cannot see, so God has taken my ability to focus on the things of this world that I can see. I do not deserve sight; none of my most righteous deeds give me the "RIGHT" to anything. My most righteous deeds lead to death. What saves me? My ability to SEE THE UNSEEN; to FOCUS ON THE UNSEEN; to be MORE CONCERNED WITH the unseen. . . .these are all the greatest gifts of God.


So yes. Once, back before Dec. of 2000, I was LOST. And NOW I AM FOUND. Now I have been effectively made blind to the things of the world. . .but this allows to see only what is important.

God is good.

My God heals.

My God heals in His own time.

And sometimes all you can pray is "God help me." Sometimes the pain is too much. Sometimes there is no breath to get anything else out. But God knows your thoughts and prayers before you do.

Faith is not vision. Faith is belief and trust where there is no vision.

My God is ABLE

That is a lyric from a REALLLLLLLLLY old gospel song back from the early 90's. "My God is able, yes He is, He can do what He said He'd do!"

God promised me a long time ago when I became one of His covenant children that He would mold me, grow me, protect me, provide for me, multiply me, discipline me, answer my prayers, seek out my best when I can't figure out what is best, and be my Daddy.

God has done all of these things. He has been faithful when I have felt faithless, when I have felt hopeless, when I have been so worried about what was going to happen next.

But you know what? He already won. He won the battle, He defeated the victory, and now He will help me defeat my own enemies. . .sometimes even myself.

I am so thankful for a God like this--for a God who doesn't change on a whim. For a God who isn't like the wayward women of the Bible, being blown to and fro by every new teaching. My God doesn't change His mind; He won't take back what He has already offered to me.

And He offers this so freely to others. Why do we try to complicate things so much? I know I do. It seems like I want things to be "brain-teasers" when sometimes the simplest answer really is the right one! I pray that when others get to a point where God has called them, that they will not complicate what is so simple. When God said faith like a child, He wasn't talking about one of those genius kids who starts college at 8 or is inventing new ways to cook all the fat off bacon. . .He was talking about normal kids. Normal kids who pick their noses, normal kids who cry when their parents leave them, and normal kids who have no concept of time and other things we adults focus so much on.

It's so easy.

It's so simple.

God is so good.

We are SO bad.

We can reach God. . .

If we reach out for help from Jesus.

And you know what?

Even after you've walked with God for years, He STILL ISN'T GOING TO EXPECT YOU TO BE PERFECT. HE STILL UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU ARE GROWING. HE STILL UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU WILL NOT REACH PERFECTION UNTIL THE DAY OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.

I am thankful that God reached out to me almost 10 years ago. . .I am grateful that He is still continuing to work on me and work in my heart. Each day He finds a whole new box of things stored up that we have to clean out and purge. He does this with grace and is gentle.

This is the ABLE God that we have. He is able to see us through the hard times, when things aren't looking up, when we are so down we can't even see the Sun. He is able to wipe our slate clean. He is able to forgive us even when we can't accept forgiveness.

I am glad to have this ABLE God. Thank you Lord, for being who you are. I do not want to limit what you can do. Please continue to be ABLE.